I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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