Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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