Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
