How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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