I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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