You work out of a Hotel?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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