I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
