I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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