The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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