1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
