i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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