I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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