Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize