Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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