i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize