i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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