Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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