Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
