Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
