Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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