Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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