I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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