why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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