THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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