Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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