This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
