Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
