i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
