sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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