UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
