just tell him i said nine months
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
