i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
