I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Too much gin, very little bucket
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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