I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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