we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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