I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
