I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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