Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
