I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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