make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
They are going to name an STD after you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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