Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
