Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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