I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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