just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize