just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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