Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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