Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
