He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
