I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
