This is not my ceiling
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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