Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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