3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
