HIV tests are more positive than that guy
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
