Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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