but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
how drunk are you?
Several
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
