New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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