I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
