I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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