you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
