I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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