I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
