oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
